he is leaving.

ok. here's the deal. boyfriend is leaving. no, not breaking up .. although there is no denying that it IS an option. what's your second choice? long distance (good luck with that!). now, the dilemma: when should he tell you beforehand that he will be leaving you?

the comparison: a year before OR 2 weeks?

i have made my choice. i pick a year before. sure, it's going to hurt like a bitch, counting down to that second he sets foot on that plane and you're left helpless, trying to hold on to every shattered fragment of your already bruised heart. tears start to flow like rain and you feel as though you're never going to smile again, ever. all you want to do is kick and scream like a child robbed of it's favourite toy. you can't breathe. your heart weighs like a million pounds. you wish you could close your eyes and bury yourself underneath the blanket of you and his memories together because that's the last safest place you feel and the next best thing to having his arms around you again. at the same time, feelings of anger and betrayal sets in. like a girlfriend of mine once said, "maybe that's how patients with terminal cancer feel like".

a year. what can you achieve? well, for starters, planning. the opportunity to sit down and talk about it together. discuss your options. long distance? how will it work? visits every end year? how often would you both call each other? basically the works on how you both will stay connected to each other during this period. now, ask yourself, what are you working towards? will one of you move to the other side eventually? is he coming back? talks of engagement perhaps?

and if you think about it, this time would allow both of you to mature: making decisions as one and ask yourself: why are you staying in this? is it worth it? do YOU want this and how far are you willing to push to make this work?

*** 'open' long distance? forget it. why bother staying together, i say.

and if somewhere down the line, you realise that you want to give up, then by all means, work towards it. sure it's going to be hard to move on especially with him still around but you know what? ironic as it may seem, his presence there still, will help cushion your fall. trust me on this. it will hurt knowing that he's still around but here's the good news: he WILL leave. the trick to letting go is do it slowly but properly.

so there. this is what you get with a year's notice.

and what do you get with 2 weeks notice?
a girlfriend of mine argues saying that you are relieved of the torture of counting down to him leaving. it's better to just get it over and done with as soon as possible. it hurts too much. and you know what? i understand. i really do, hun. but here's the deal:

1 year or 2 weeks, you are STILL going to feel the pain of waiting for him to leave, regardless. and on top of that, you go into shock mode. it's like throwing someone into the forest with toilet paper. you get used to it, but what happens when it disappears one day? if you knew you it was going to run out, you plan your alternatives. you slowly accept the fact you will have to live without it sooner or later.

and just so you know, going into shock mode is pretty dangerous. it's like being trapped in a stage where you haven't even begun to accept that fact but you're already seeking remedy. and in most cases, these remedies are found in the wrong places with the wrong people. (cue: red flag!)

so boyfriends, if you ARE planning on leaving your girlfriends to go overseas, let her know as soon as you make up your mind. and by making up your mind, i don't mean once you've bought your air tickets and cut your phone/ mobile/ electricity/ water rent/ bill, etc. i mean, once you're set, the phase before you execute your plan. at least 3 months notice, please. come on people, if you can't do it, what's the point of being one with someone else?

and again, 1 year OR 2 weeks?
1 YEAR, MOST DEFINITELY.

3 months.

post break up, that is.

we've all heard the usual. surround yourself with friends, family aka people who love you. invest your time in a fun / productive activity. put yourself out there, date around, random flings, backseat snoggings, start a diary (and then you realise that you've written that jerk's name at least 5 times per page) ... the entire works. and yet, after 3 bloody months of doing ALL that, you still find yourself back at square one. ok, not exactly where you started but just inches away from the starting line.

what do you do?
hmm. maybe, just maybe, that's not the question.
how about : WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A RUSH TO MOVE ON?

take your time. everyone heals differently. the more you obsess about moving on, the more you surround yourself with hate for that ass. moving on is not a competition. why in the world are you trying to compete with yourself when that ass doesn't even give two freaking dimes whether or not you're able to move on the very next day post break up or 3 years later? rome wasn't built in a day and that's dealing with bricks and mortar. moving on is heavily driven by emotions, a very inconsistent variable, mind you.

i promise you. you WILL get there. you WILL get over him. but you need to accept that he's gone. that he's never coming back. like that famous book title, 'it's called a break up because it's broken'. people seem to forget that post break up is not about rushing forward, it's about slowing down. let your heart heal. yes, logic tells you to move on NOW. remember, your mind and heart are two very separate entities. the heart needs time to synchronise with the mind.

oh, and don't forget ladies, numbing pain is the worst.
sure, you fill your days with work and laughter. i'm not saying it's a bad thing, it IS therapy. but it's not the only pre-requisite to moving on. cry, get pissed, scream if you must (don't piss people off in the process, ofcourse). otherwise, you're only creating a ticking bomb out of yourself. hiding it, doesn't make the pain disappear. can you imagine what would happen the next second you get thrown in another heartache? that's DOUBLE the pain you're carrying.

someone once said to me, "the only reason you're not moving on is because somehow deep down, you're not really letting go". so, ask yourself, what is it and slowly accept that you need to let it go. let go ...

this or that.

i don't know which is worse. being in an official relationship and not feel like being in one .. or NOT being in an official relationship but feel like it.

who do you love?

i can't stress it enough. be with someone who appreciates you. who wants you. who needs you. who willingly lets you in.. and if possible, be with someone who is more likely to love you more than you love them. and by saying this, i don't mean that you don't really love them. it's just, that you know deep down that he is your sun, moon and stars, but you are his universe.

where does the love go?

carrie from sex and the city once asked, "when a couple breaks up, where does the love go?" and someone replied, "to their next girlfriend".

would that mean then that guys recycle their feelings? nah, doubt it. should probably give them more credit than that. i reckon guys do think of their past but they don't analyse it.. or obsess about it much. we girls, however, tend to over question it. how, where and why it went wrong. believe me, we could come up with a thousand reasons and would still be able to find another 10 000 reasons.

which brings me to my next question.

girls reminisce. i'm not sure whether it's part of the healing process or it could mean you're simply just not over your ex yet (and it's a bad idea to surrender yourself to such memories). but what about guys? do guys think of their ex girlfriends? and if so, how often? do they take the easy route and just put a huge ass plaster over it so they don't have to deal with the wound face to face but knowing that it'll heal in time? or could they possibly even just don't deal with the past, period? should what's over be left over and done with?

hmm. i guess there's no general answer to the question. everyone deals differently. everyone's break up is different. but in the end, we all move on. eventually. and maybe that's what we should focus on. as for memories, it's ok to look back once in a while. i mean after all, they are what made us and brought us here today. but i say no to deleting them. set them aside instead, for new memories to happen.

the ex.

so rarely have i found a song that so coincides with EXACTLY how i feel at the moment. and that song for me right now is marit's (of m2m) "under the surface".

she sings about how a girl feels content with her new found love. doubting that he could be real. and most importantly, keeps wondering his ex: comparison.

it's bad. it's the worst thing ever to feel this way. one might even call it self-abuse, really. i mean come on, the guy is already with you. he chose to move on with you. he left his past. he loves you NOW. and that should be all that matters. and yet.. why. why do girls compare? i guess it's human nature to. comparing is healthy sometimes. it teaches you a thing or two. if in the past you had a guy who would go that extra mile for you.. and this new guy can't, then obviously, you're not settling for what you could achieve.

but it's a whole different story now. you're the one doing the comparison. you become the one being compared to. well technically, you don't know that. do guys even compare really? we'll never know. so what do girls do? they take it in their hands to make the comparison to their guy's ex. not all girls generally do this. but few still do, especially with one who is lacking in the self-confidence department as i am.

so ladies, how does one get through this? i've tried dismissing the idea altogether. trying hard to believe that it's me that he has chosen. and that the past is the past. the weak point here, a leopard never changes its spots. once you're skeptical, you stay that way. so what did i do next? stare at fear in its eyes. looking at old photos of them together. sweet messages left for each other. (the internet is like one huge ass pandora box btw). this actually worked a bit for me. it was really heart-breaking at first, especially with kissing photos of them.. but after that, it just felt like, "awww". .. then "meh".. . then finally, "whatever". few days later.. i find myself going through the same cycle again.

i still haven't found a cure for this. i'm beginning to think that perhaps, there is a teeny tiny part of me that hungers for drama, subconsciously. sigh. but what i will do is.. work on my relationship. technically there is nothing to work on.. but you get what i mean. make it better. built trust. learn to believe in myself... in 'us'. believe that whatever we have is stronger. keep the back door slightly ajar for now since i'm not ready to close it completely.. yet. good luck to me.

simple truth.

you know how when you want cake, you can just buy the instant pre-mix in a box.. or if you've got the determination, you bake it from scratch?

so what about passion? what about chemistry? what about connection? can it be generated over time? i would think the answer is no. N-O, NO.

if we could, you'd still be stuck with the first love of your life.
get over it ladies. no "zha zha zhu" (carrie; sex & the city) = MOVE ON.

not making sense.

we all know sometimes love isn't enough. but why?

because it's not the right person? maybe when we finally meet the one, all worries and doubts are thrown out the window. and the back door vanishes because we'll never need it anymore. no more comparing. no more cold feet.

and then you start to wonder. what if then, all this while, we're just really settling for safe? that's why everything seems so easy. you and him, it fits.

so maybe you can look at it two ways. if you're a fighter and you've got nothing to lose, you always strive for the OTHER one. love will never be enough for you. but if you're also a fighter and you've got everything to lose, you always strive to keep THE one. love is always the reason for you.. this is the road rarely taken.

he's just not that into you, silly.

guys and their crappy ass, lame and lousy excuses for not wanting to be in a relationship. so you've hung out, you've danced, you've held hands and you've kissed. and when you ask him , "so.... what am i to you?" ..he replies, "i'm seeeeeeeing you babe". please slap yourself hard for actually allowing yourself to believe such LIES. or better yet, konk yourself on the head with a glass bottle for attempting such sweet gestures with a guy who is just physically but NOT emotionally available to you. bravo!

there are NO grey areas. no such in-betweens. it's either you're with me or you're not. you want me or you don't. love me or not. there is a very good reason why we see girls in movies pluck petals of a whole flower by saying, "he loves me.. he loves me NOT, he loves me.." .. because ladies, that is how the world works. i'm not saying one shouldn't wait and have faith that someday that 'perfect' person's feelings will change. i realise that feelings are quite the inconsistent variable BUT it's just so damn bloody hurtful to acknowledge the oh-so-popular phrase 'he's just not THAT into you'.

and then here comes the explanation to go along with 'i'm seeing you'.

exp. 1- i want us to get to know each other better.

ok. first of all, that's what break-ups are for. i'm not conservative.. not THAT much anyway, but when people kiss, it shows that they do want to be with each other. exclusive even, for that matter. i mean, why kiss someone when you're going to be pashing someone else afters? i know i've had my share of pashing.. er, randomly BUT in my defense, they were all dares and i did really have feelings. ok, not much of a strong argument there. but you get my drift. and furthermore, the entire point of being in a relationship is to GET to know each other better. you're always going to learn new things about each other despite being in one or without. the difference is, do i want to get to know you on a whole different level than just as friends. i want to know you inside out, learn to accept and appreciate your every flaw or perfection, be with you every step of the way, I WANT TO LEARN YOU AS MINE.

exp. 2- i've yet to take you out on a real date.

well if you really haven't, shame on you again, girl. but honestly, what is really considered a real date nowadays anyway? a group hang is a date. when you go to the movies and sat next to each other, holding hands is a date. when you dance together at a club is a date. when you're over at his house just chilling and maybe kiss a little is a date. if he doesn't consider THOSE as dates, ok, SLAP YOURSELF HARDER. then what the hell do they consider as? a friend with benefits session??? just because you group hang, you still do sweet gestures. bloody hell, i'd consider them dates.

and another thing, after he explains that that you and him HAVEN'T been on a real date yet, do you hear him ask you out after that? is he all talk and no action? what a jerk. or.. he could just be stressed out with other things at the moment. go on continue waiting for that date. be a fool because what are we all but fools in love.

___________

bullshit. bullshit. bullshit. i've always thought that when two people really like each other, they'd want to be with each other and ONLY with each other. it's a universal thing. you don't give someone the option to not wait and allow them to latch elsewhere if something better comes along. instead, you'd want them to stay, not go. you'd want them all for yourself. you'd be selfish. you'd be possesive. you'd be desperately in deep infatuation/ love. it's automatic. capeesh?

- xoxo, misguidedheart.


EDIT; i totally forgot. here's exp. 3: relationships are commitment.

- okay. first and foremost, don't try and play that card. no one, and i mean NO ONE should use that as an excuse to not try to be in a relationship. everything is a commitment. you've got to try and work hard at everything you do. it's like school, uni and work. they are all commitments and yet, you still go through with them. there is no sure way as to how a relationship might end up. "just get messy in life, at least you know you're living". you can't expect to work less later on just because you know each other more thoroughly before diving into a relationship. like i said, you're always going to find out new things about each other despite being further down the road together.

you know what. i've just realised by ranting regarding the 3rd exp. doesn't even really make sense. all i can say is that it's just a damn lousy excuse to get out of not wanting to be in a relationship. i've beginning to appreciate the idea that maybe if guys just aren't that into you that they should just state one thing and only one thing: I'M NOT READY. MOVE ALONG NOW. SHOO! at least that's being honest. no grey areas. it might actually do us girls a favor so we don't waste our bloody time waiting around, wondering aimlessly. and girls, this goes the same to you too so don't think you're off the hook. by the way, i do realise this is such an emotionally-driven entry. HAHA XD !!!