.how to help your girlfriend.

things girls need to remind their girls when they're too blind to see:

x. no guy would not enjoy being sandwiched between two girls who really wants them. yes, he may feel lost and confused, having to choose between the two. but fact is, whether they complain about it or not, they secretly love it. they love being wanted by two girls. its a super ego boost. especially when its between two hot girls.

so remind your girl: she shouldn't sit around, waiting for this loser to make up his mind between the two. dont tell her she shouldn't be with him, but she definitely shouldn't stick around during such time just to feed his ego. if he really likes her, she doesnt need to stick around him to remind him to care about her.

***
x. a girl needs to tell their girlfriends the odd things their boyfriend tells them. WHY? becuz when they're blinded, they dont see/realise how stupid half the things these guys say. somehow everything seem to make sense, even when it clearly doesnt!

so remind your girl: if it feels slightly weird/odd that their guy said what he did, discuss it with you. in detail (what led to him saying what he did/what was said before that) and in exact words and intonation. chances are, you'd see it better than them, and will be able to tell them exactly how he's manipulating their feelings for him for his selfish and greedy benefit!

one thing we always hear is that,

"girls are complicated."

because apparently we dont say what we mean and so on and so forth but to be honest, all girls really only want one thing and that one thing is really simple; not complicated at all.

we all just want to be loved; appreciated.

now,thats not complicated at all isnt it?

Girls,

the one thing that you must remember no matter what:

you must make sure you are HAPPY.

if he makes you happy and sad equally,its still not enough.

10 days of crying is NOT compensated by 1 day of "awww,he gave me a present / he said something so sweet / he did something so thoughtful" the person who said,"love hurts" didnt mean the person you love (and loves you) will hurt you for no specific reason.

he is leaving.

ok. here's the deal. boyfriend is leaving. no, not breaking up .. although there is no denying that it IS an option. what's your second choice? long distance (good luck with that!). now, the dilemma: when should he tell you beforehand that he will be leaving you?

the comparison: a year before OR 2 weeks?

i have made my choice. i pick a year before. sure, it's going to hurt like a bitch, counting down to that second he sets foot on that plane and you're left helpless, trying to hold on to every shattered fragment of your already bruised heart. tears start to flow like rain and you feel as though you're never going to smile again, ever. all you want to do is kick and scream like a child robbed of it's favourite toy. you can't breathe. your heart weighs like a million pounds. you wish you could close your eyes and bury yourself underneath the blanket of you and his memories together because that's the last safest place you feel and the next best thing to having his arms around you again. at the same time, feelings of anger and betrayal sets in. like a girlfriend of mine once said, "maybe that's how patients with terminal cancer feel like".

a year. what can you achieve? well, for starters, planning. the opportunity to sit down and talk about it together. discuss your options. long distance? how will it work? visits every end year? how often would you both call each other? basically the works on how you both will stay connected to each other during this period. now, ask yourself, what are you working towards? will one of you move to the other side eventually? is he coming back? talks of engagement perhaps?

and if you think about it, this time would allow both of you to mature: making decisions as one and ask yourself: why are you staying in this? is it worth it? do YOU want this and how far are you willing to push to make this work?

*** 'open' long distance? forget it. why bother staying together, i say.

and if somewhere down the line, you realise that you want to give up, then by all means, work towards it. sure it's going to be hard to move on especially with him still around but you know what? ironic as it may seem, his presence there still, will help cushion your fall. trust me on this. it will hurt knowing that he's still around but here's the good news: he WILL leave. the trick to letting go is do it slowly but properly.

so there. this is what you get with a year's notice.

and what do you get with 2 weeks notice?
a girlfriend of mine argues saying that you are relieved of the torture of counting down to him leaving. it's better to just get it over and done with as soon as possible. it hurts too much. and you know what? i understand. i really do, hun. but here's the deal:

1 year or 2 weeks, you are STILL going to feel the pain of waiting for him to leave, regardless. and on top of that, you go into shock mode. it's like throwing someone into the forest with toilet paper. you get used to it, but what happens when it disappears one day? if you knew you it was going to run out, you plan your alternatives. you slowly accept the fact you will have to live without it sooner or later.

and just so you know, going into shock mode is pretty dangerous. it's like being trapped in a stage where you haven't even begun to accept that fact but you're already seeking remedy. and in most cases, these remedies are found in the wrong places with the wrong people. (cue: red flag!)

so boyfriends, if you ARE planning on leaving your girlfriends to go overseas, let her know as soon as you make up your mind. and by making up your mind, i don't mean once you've bought your air tickets and cut your phone/ mobile/ electricity/ water rent/ bill, etc. i mean, once you're set, the phase before you execute your plan. at least 3 months notice, please. come on people, if you can't do it, what's the point of being one with someone else?

and again, 1 year OR 2 weeks?
1 YEAR, MOST DEFINITELY.

3 months.

post break up, that is.

we've all heard the usual. surround yourself with friends, family aka people who love you. invest your time in a fun / productive activity. put yourself out there, date around, random flings, backseat snoggings, start a diary (and then you realise that you've written that jerk's name at least 5 times per page) ... the entire works. and yet, after 3 bloody months of doing ALL that, you still find yourself back at square one. ok, not exactly where you started but just inches away from the starting line.

what do you do?
hmm. maybe, just maybe, that's not the question.
how about : WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A RUSH TO MOVE ON?

take your time. everyone heals differently. the more you obsess about moving on, the more you surround yourself with hate for that ass. moving on is not a competition. why in the world are you trying to compete with yourself when that ass doesn't even give two freaking dimes whether or not you're able to move on the very next day post break up or 3 years later? rome wasn't built in a day and that's dealing with bricks and mortar. moving on is heavily driven by emotions, a very inconsistent variable, mind you.

i promise you. you WILL get there. you WILL get over him. but you need to accept that he's gone. that he's never coming back. like that famous book title, 'it's called a break up because it's broken'. people seem to forget that post break up is not about rushing forward, it's about slowing down. let your heart heal. yes, logic tells you to move on NOW. remember, your mind and heart are two very separate entities. the heart needs time to synchronise with the mind.

oh, and don't forget ladies, numbing pain is the worst.
sure, you fill your days with work and laughter. i'm not saying it's a bad thing, it IS therapy. but it's not the only pre-requisite to moving on. cry, get pissed, scream if you must (don't piss people off in the process, ofcourse). otherwise, you're only creating a ticking bomb out of yourself. hiding it, doesn't make the pain disappear. can you imagine what would happen the next second you get thrown in another heartache? that's DOUBLE the pain you're carrying.

someone once said to me, "the only reason you're not moving on is because somehow deep down, you're not really letting go". so, ask yourself, what is it and slowly accept that you need to let it go. let go ...

When is the right time?

when your friends seem to care for you more.
when you feel happier when you are by yourself.
when each time you talk to him,he makes you mad.

is it time to break up?

lesson learnt

i recently got out of yet another one of those blah relationships. you know, the type that you try to convince yourself wasn't a waste of time because it taught you something. *pfft*

so here's what i have to say about my most recent break up.

follow your heart. that really is all that matters. dont try to analyse him. dont sit around with your girlfriends to disect his pros and cons, or his likelihood to being worthy, or how great he might or might not be. if you like him, and he likes you to, go for it. (unless he's a serial murderer or rapist or etc - i trust that you're not stupid)

people may not understand, but they really dont have to. even you dont have to. just feel it.

the reason for the above is because you can never know whether he's right until you try. fact is, the right guy for you can come in any form, size, shape, or type. dont restrict yourself to what you think is right for you, or what your friends/family thinks is right for you, cuz nobody knows.

i think i now understand why some couples who seem mismatched in my eyes can still live happily ever after. because they allowed themselves to love what they love, rather than love what they're suppose to love.

correct me if im wrong, bu i think im making sense.

The Fundamentals

-the fundamentals

what is a relationship?
two people who promises to stay true to each other and not be with anyone else.be boyfriend and girlfriend.

what is an open relationship?
be boyfriend and girlfriend with exceptions.you're still together as a couple but its totally appropriate to screw around.

what is "just seeing each other" ?
the labels boyfriend and girlfriend are taboos.you're not together but you do things that people who are together do without the commitment and strings attached.

what is FWB / FB? {Friends With Benefits / F*ck Buddies}
two people who are either friends or acquaintances that can do things that couples do without any real emotion, communication and yada yada. (whatever else there is people are so fed up of to allow themselves to get so low)

what is Marriage?
a vow to God that you and your partner will be loyal to each other in sickness and health, good times and bad...yada yada.be husband and wife.

what is an Open Marriage?
a vow to God that you and your partner will...what? live together but its okay for either husband or wife to go out and screw someone else?

...what is an apple?
a fruit.

what is an Open apple?
a fruit.

i dont know what/how the modern world works. i dont know if "the modern woman" of today actually approve of being in these kinds of deteriorating situations. as a female, i can honestly say it doesnt matter what year i am born in, early 70's or late 90's i WANT a relationship thats only me and my partner.no exceptions - a real closed relationship. i want an apple thats whole.

what is a Boyfriend?
the male.whose more important and holds greater expectations compared to all the other guys out there.he is a person who is able to let you be who you are, let you be independent but will always assure you that he will be there to catch you if you ever fall.he is the person who walk through fire to make sure he's there and cheering you up when life gets you down.

he is there to shoo away people who poses you a threat. he is the one who forgets about his ego and cooks for you because your hungry.he is the one who spends 5$ to play a crummy game just so he can win you a soft toy at carnivals.he is the one who will love you and make you feel special.

what is a Girlfriend?
the female.who the boyfriend prioritizes more than anything else in his life.(with the exception of family) she is there by his side whenever she can, even if more than half the time she's quiet.she is the one who will let him talk loudly at her when in front of his friends and then erupts on him when they are alone. she is the one who sits down happily and waits for the boyfriend to bring her food.she is the one telling herself,"i'm the luckiest girl on earth" when the boyfriend buys her things,says something sweet or do small gestures that melts her heart.

she is the person who cant sleep at night when the boyfriend is sick, she is the one who might never cook but goes out of her way to make something healthy for the boyfriend.she is the one who spends half a day thinking about the boyfriend.she is the one either calling the boyfriend too often or waiting for him to call too often.shes the one laughing and nodding to jokes and stories the boyfriend tells but dont find it funny or amusing.she feels safer,loved and special.

"she feels safer,loved and special."
that's what a girlfriend SHOULD feel.thats why people get into relationships!to be able to say,"hes mine!" or "shes mine!" feel safe, loved for who they are without having to fight for it and at the end of it all, special because of everything the boyfriend does.

NOT - telling herself, "we're in an open relationship,so he can go do the same things with girls out there. i'm fine with it."

Bake Your Own Cake!
a relationship is NOT an obligation. you can go your whole life without being in a relationship and nobody will punish you so why do people make so many alternatives for a relationship? its like Going to School, people find alternatives like home schooling and e-education. thats fine because education is an obligation but remember! relationships are not. if you dont want what a relationship, then dont.

dont try getting yourself in "open relationships" or get FWBs just so you can have your cake and eat it too. if you want a cake, BAKE YOUR OWN! you want it sweet? put in more sugar. you want it bigger? add more eggs, more flour. if it burns? its only because you left it in the oven for too long and baking a cake isnt something people are successful at the first time around. you're gonna waste flour and a lot of time because you're first cake might taste horrible or it cant rise up into a real cake, it might be lopsided. one day, with persistence, you WILL succeed.

when you do,the feeling you get is so empowering. good things in life dont come easy.open relationships, FWBs, open marriages...their the things cowards do.the people who are bound to fail because they dont even try.so "modern people" of today, is that what you want? is that what you've become? because its a damn shame.

who do you wanna be?

my dear men,

it has come to our attention that nowadays, you are allowed to throw fits and to have extra sensitive feelings and emotions that we cannot 'hurt'. we are also now aware that you expect us to pick up on the slightest change of mood, tone of voice, random sighs and unusual looks of discomfort by looking into your eyes.

but here's the deal. if you wanna be the newage hyper-sensitive guy, be prepared to lose the old cliche excuses that guys love so much. excuses such as 'men don't notice those things' and 'men dont understand why women do/think/say things like that' so on and so forth just wont work anymore.

the logic -

if you wanna show traits of being so in touch with your emotions, you've lost the privilege of being the ignorant men.

if you can be sensitive enough to notice and be so adamant about your 'hurts' that we've caused, and have the balls to be verbal to us about it, its only normal that we'd expect you to be sensitive enough to notice ours.

so pick a side, or be welcomed to our world and everything that comes with it.

dont know what to think.

probably shouldn't post something when one is feeling emotionally unstable. at the same time, this could be the best time to post because everything feels so fresh in your mind. ok, here's the deal -

if your boyfriend cheated on his girlfriend (who is someone he hooked up with on the internet while pending their first everything) to be with you, what are the chances that he would cheat on you when he finally does meet this virtual-became-reality girl, while you're overseas?

the above may sound like a soapie, but sadly, this soapie is currently happening to moi.

and how much of your gut instinct can you trust?
and how much weight do u give to the little things?

like... how he does not tell you as much about the things he's been upto;
like... how he becomes selective when he answers your questions about that girl;
like... how he doesn't initiate phone conversations anymore;
like... how he decides to quote lines like "I'm a realist. I'm a romantic. I'm an indecisive, piece of shit";
like... how he decides to go out with her and conveniently not tell you about it until you have to ask him twice about it (mind you, i was nice and did not appear threatened the first time he told me he did);
like... how you just can feel that he sends you short messages like "i miss you sexiness" as an obligation, rather than something he truly means;

like... how you have been feeling very disconnected from him even before he "confessed" that he saw her again...?

as much as one wishes not to think about the things above, how can they not if they still care about the relationship?

and how do you sleep at night when you know you cant ask him about it now, in fear that you'd be labelled the irritating and needy and jealous girlfriend, while he's conveniently around the arms of his virtual-turned-reality ex girlfriend? (who still wishes to have a piece of him, mind you)

and not forgetting, when you have a constant reminder that 3 months ago, she was the irritating, needy and jealous girlfriend (as he calls her) while you were the one who was conveniently around! need i remind you how that turned out?

wth. i am so losing my cool.
and i know one way, the only way, to regain my compulsure.
and im not afraid to use it.

the break.

what happens when you're trapped in a relationship where your guy says 'go on girl' when it starts to rain? it's all smiles and giggles until you hear the thundering of sound of a storm up ahead. how is it possible that one can push a loved one away so easily when something bad comes up? and to what extent is that okay? and mind you, this isn't a 'go away and leave me alone for a day' kind of shoving. it's a 'racheal and ross' kind of break.

i'd imagine it would be ok if he just needs a few days off and of course ladies, we've all been there esp when it's our time of the month when we just need to be left alone. but when a guy can easily conjur up a solution as to having a break... it's heartbreaking. it makes one feel like the other has become a burden. someone told me that there is a fine distinction between dealing with one's problems and keeping a loved one at arm's length to deal with it.

and then there are pathetic girls who still put up with it and stay by their boyfriend's side despite being already kicked temporarily out of his life. i'd be happy for you if it all works out now, but what happens when he's going through another issue in the future? you can't help but wonder, will you be left out in the cold again?

one advise i received from a friend is: ask your man, what exactly is this break suppose to achieve? and work from there.

but if the real reason he is doing this is to cushion the final fall, the official break up, then you can bitch slap him all the way to antartica for all i care. he doesn't deserve you, not one bit because that's just cruel.

we dont want to be adored; we want to be loved.

recently talked to a friend (boy) who has recently found out his ex-girlfriend has recently started dating someone new. someone nicer, sweeter and the total opposite of him. we spent hours and hours chatting about how upset and how much he regrets the way he treated his ex-girlfriend and he kept asking for advise on how to get her back. he claims that what they have is so special. love;thats what he called it.

of course i felt bad for the guy, hes lost someone he really cares about and he has to see them be totally happy together. sort of like having it rubbed onto his face some more. then he says some things that has been stuck on my mind since. he said he regrets not prioritizing her more, he says that he never spent more time with her and the reason he did that was at the back of his mind he just thought she would never leave him. he took for granted that she loved him unconditionally and i can tell, she did. i know both parties and i can say that she really loved him unconditionally but she just got to a point where enough is enough.

then he justifies that he really loved her and its not because he didnt care enough for her for him to spend more time with her, talk to her more and/or prioritized her more. its because...and i quote, "sometimes boys get busy with things like friends, sports or whatever and we just forget about our girlfriends." and he quickly added, "its not because we dont care for them enough, we love our girlfriends but its just...sometimes we forget." is that really true? how can you get involved in something (anything at all) to the point where you forget about your girlfriend? forget to call her or text her. are men and women really that different?

i know for a fact, no matter how busy a female is. her boyfriend is always in her mind somewhere and in the midst of chaos, she would still be able to pick up the phone and call just to say that shes thinking of him. its so easy but why is it so difficult for males to do the same?

if that is true, it they really can just forget (they love us but they cant help but forgetting about us) what are we females suppose to do? do we accept the fact and never voice up when they are busy and forget to call us?

heres what i think:
from another thing my friend said to me, "sometimes we have to be reminded."(which i think is so foolish because if you love someone and really care for them, you shouldnt have to be reminded to keep in contact with them but thats besides the point.) so my answer is yes. yes to voicing up, letting them know or reminding them.."hey! i know you're busy but i'm still here." because i've noticed, no matter how secure or stable a relationship is both parties have got to say "i love you/i appreciate you/i miss you/i care about you" often enough because (even though words are just words) they mean so much.

and if the males arent aware of that fact, ladies! we have to make it clear because even though we want to give them the benefit of a doubt, sometimes their just so incredibly clueless...and another thing that my friend said."i really didnt know what i got till i lost it and now i feel so helpless." we've got sometimes remind the boys, they can lose us any second and they should never take us for granted. so ladies, as much as you love your boyfriends and want to make them feel just as loved...its so important to sometimes make them feel a little bit insecure just so they know they should take us for granted and hold on to us a little tighter. we've got to have our tactics to make sure we are loved the way we are suppose to, the way we deserve to because we do. dont you ever question that.

Too Much?

in a relationship,when do you know if you need more together time or when do you know if you need more alone time? should it be a problem if too much time is spent together? and why? thats a little hard to be justified but its obviously a problem if too little time is spent together but how much is too little?

this or that.

i don't know which is worse. being in an official relationship and not feel like being in one .. or NOT being in an official relationship but feel like it.

who do you love?

i can't stress it enough. be with someone who appreciates you. who wants you. who needs you. who willingly lets you in.. and if possible, be with someone who is more likely to love you more than you love them. and by saying this, i don't mean that you don't really love them. it's just, that you know deep down that he is your sun, moon and stars, but you are his universe.

the brave one

heres a random thought; you know how in movies or fairytales - in inspirational love stories and all that. people give up their whole world, they go against the will of others {family included} they do everything in their power when they think they have met the ONE to stay together. to fight wars together to get through every bad thing that they will encounter. they confide everything in each other; they throw their whole worlds away just so they can build one with just each other. its all really epic and great but what if one day they realise their not meant for each other?

how many of us are brave enough to risk everything they have for love? what happens to the few who do and find out it was a risk not meant to be taken?

where does the love go?

carrie from sex and the city once asked, "when a couple breaks up, where does the love go?" and someone replied, "to their next girlfriend".

would that mean then that guys recycle their feelings? nah, doubt it. should probably give them more credit than that. i reckon guys do think of their past but they don't analyse it.. or obsess about it much. we girls, however, tend to over question it. how, where and why it went wrong. believe me, we could come up with a thousand reasons and would still be able to find another 10 000 reasons.

which brings me to my next question.

girls reminisce. i'm not sure whether it's part of the healing process or it could mean you're simply just not over your ex yet (and it's a bad idea to surrender yourself to such memories). but what about guys? do guys think of their ex girlfriends? and if so, how often? do they take the easy route and just put a huge ass plaster over it so they don't have to deal with the wound face to face but knowing that it'll heal in time? or could they possibly even just don't deal with the past, period? should what's over be left over and done with?

hmm. i guess there's no general answer to the question. everyone deals differently. everyone's break up is different. but in the end, we all move on. eventually. and maybe that's what we should focus on. as for memories, it's ok to look back once in a while. i mean after all, they are what made us and brought us here today. but i say no to deleting them. set them aside instead, for new memories to happen.

the ex.

so rarely have i found a song that so coincides with EXACTLY how i feel at the moment. and that song for me right now is marit's (of m2m) "under the surface".

she sings about how a girl feels content with her new found love. doubting that he could be real. and most importantly, keeps wondering his ex: comparison.

it's bad. it's the worst thing ever to feel this way. one might even call it self-abuse, really. i mean come on, the guy is already with you. he chose to move on with you. he left his past. he loves you NOW. and that should be all that matters. and yet.. why. why do girls compare? i guess it's human nature to. comparing is healthy sometimes. it teaches you a thing or two. if in the past you had a guy who would go that extra mile for you.. and this new guy can't, then obviously, you're not settling for what you could achieve.

but it's a whole different story now. you're the one doing the comparison. you become the one being compared to. well technically, you don't know that. do guys even compare really? we'll never know. so what do girls do? they take it in their hands to make the comparison to their guy's ex. not all girls generally do this. but few still do, especially with one who is lacking in the self-confidence department as i am.

so ladies, how does one get through this? i've tried dismissing the idea altogether. trying hard to believe that it's me that he has chosen. and that the past is the past. the weak point here, a leopard never changes its spots. once you're skeptical, you stay that way. so what did i do next? stare at fear in its eyes. looking at old photos of them together. sweet messages left for each other. (the internet is like one huge ass pandora box btw). this actually worked a bit for me. it was really heart-breaking at first, especially with kissing photos of them.. but after that, it just felt like, "awww". .. then "meh".. . then finally, "whatever". few days later.. i find myself going through the same cycle again.

i still haven't found a cure for this. i'm beginning to think that perhaps, there is a teeny tiny part of me that hungers for drama, subconsciously. sigh. but what i will do is.. work on my relationship. technically there is nothing to work on.. but you get what i mean. make it better. built trust. learn to believe in myself... in 'us'. believe that whatever we have is stronger. keep the back door slightly ajar for now since i'm not ready to close it completely.. yet. good luck to me.

simple truth.

you know how when you want cake, you can just buy the instant pre-mix in a box.. or if you've got the determination, you bake it from scratch?

so what about passion? what about chemistry? what about connection? can it be generated over time? i would think the answer is no. N-O, NO.

if we could, you'd still be stuck with the first love of your life.
get over it ladies. no "zha zha zhu" (carrie; sex & the city) = MOVE ON.

not making sense.

we all know sometimes love isn't enough. but why?

because it's not the right person? maybe when we finally meet the one, all worries and doubts are thrown out the window. and the back door vanishes because we'll never need it anymore. no more comparing. no more cold feet.

and then you start to wonder. what if then, all this while, we're just really settling for safe? that's why everything seems so easy. you and him, it fits.

so maybe you can look at it two ways. if you're a fighter and you've got nothing to lose, you always strive for the OTHER one. love will never be enough for you. but if you're also a fighter and you've got everything to lose, you always strive to keep THE one. love is always the reason for you.. this is the road rarely taken.