ok. here's the deal. boyfriend is leaving. no, not breaking up .. although there is no denying that it IS an option. what's your second choice? long distance (good luck with that!). now, the dilemma: when should he tell you beforehand that he will be leaving you?
the comparison: a year before OR 2 weeks?
i have made my choice. i pick a year before. sure, it's going to hurt like a bitch, counting down to that second he sets foot on that plane and you're left helpless, trying to hold on to every shattered fragment of your already bruised heart. tears start to flow like rain and you feel as though you're never going to smile again, ever. all you want to do is kick and scream like a child robbed of it's favourite toy. you can't breathe. your heart weighs like a million pounds. you wish you could close your eyes and bury yourself underneath the blanket of you and his memories together because that's the last safest place you feel and the next best thing to having his arms around you again. at the same time, feelings of anger and betrayal sets in. like a girlfriend of mine once said, "maybe that's how patients with terminal cancer feel like".
a year. what can you achieve? well, for starters, planning. the opportunity to sit down and talk about it together. discuss your options. long distance? how will it work? visits every end year? how often would you both call each other? basically the works on how you both will stay connected to each other during this period. now, ask yourself, what are you working towards? will one of you move to the other side eventually? is he coming back? talks of engagement perhaps?
and if you think about it, this time would allow both of you to mature: making decisions as one and ask yourself: why are you staying in this? is it worth it? do YOU want this and how far are you willing to push to make this work?
*** 'open' long distance? forget it. why bother staying together, i say.
and if somewhere down the line, you realise that you want to give up, then by all means, work towards it. sure it's going to be hard to move on especially with him still around but you know what? ironic as it may seem, his presence there still, will help cushion your fall. trust me on this. it will hurt knowing that he's still around but here's the good news: he WILL leave. the trick to letting go is do it slowly but properly.
so there. this is what you get with a year's notice.
and what do you get with 2 weeks notice?
a girlfriend of mine argues saying that you are relieved of the torture of counting down to him leaving. it's better to just get it over and done with as soon as possible. it hurts too much. and you know what? i understand. i really do, hun. but here's the deal:
1 year or 2 weeks, you are STILL going to feel the pain of waiting for him to leave, regardless. and on top of that, you go into shock mode. it's like throwing someone into the forest with toilet paper. you get used to it, but what happens when it disappears one day? if you knew you it was going to run out, you plan your alternatives. you slowly accept the fact you will have to live without it sooner or later.
and just so you know, going into shock mode is pretty dangerous. it's like being trapped in a stage where you haven't even begun to accept that fact but you're already seeking remedy. and in most cases, these remedies are found in the wrong places with the wrong people. (cue: red flag!)
so boyfriends, if you ARE planning on leaving your girlfriends to go overseas, let her know as soon as you make up your mind. and by making up your mind, i don't mean once you've bought your air tickets and cut your phone/ mobile/ electricity/ water rent/ bill, etc. i mean, once you're set, the phase before you execute your plan. at least 3 months notice, please. come on people, if you can't do it, what's the point of being one with someone else?
and again, 1 year OR 2 weeks?
1 YEAR, MOST DEFINITELY.
